"I still haven't started writing. I want to make it a story of experiences, not abuse." This was a question I got from someone who wants to write her memoir but doesn’t know how to write about the abuse that went on in her life. I sent her a private email, but I want to share my advice here in case you to write about abuse or some other bad shit that went down in your life, and don’t know how to handle it.
This is for you
Sometimes, you want to write but you also dread writing a book that just goes on and on about abuse. And that dread stops you from even starting.
You're afraid you won't be able to make the book what you want, so you don't even start.
And I don't blame you! Who wants to put in a bunch of time and energy (and do some possibly painful reflection) for something that doesn't even work out the way you want?!
I want to offer a shift in perspective that might open up possibilities of how to make this more than just a list of abuses but a real, engaging story of experiences.
A book is a conversation
Now, I want you to remember that a book is a conversation between the author and the reader. The author shares what they have to say, and the reader is impacted by that.
Most of us understand, in a real life conversation, that what we say impacts the person listening. They will react in some way. And, either consciously or without realizing, we adapt what we say to accommodate that.
If you have a friend going through some shitty life stuff, what would you say to your friend? Unless you're a real dickhead, I'd guess you'd be supportive. Kind. Encouraging. You'd help them stay strong. You'd help them see meaning in what they're experiencing.
That doesn't mean you'd sugarcoat stuff. You wouldn't say, "Oh, it's okay your boss is bullying you. Just smile! You'll be fine!" No.
You're honest. You agree it sucks. That it's soul destroying. That awful things can make you want to go to sleep and never wake up. But you don't end it there.
You bring the conversation back to something better. Comfort. Solidarity. Hope. You empathize and then you encourage. Right?
You deliberately craft the conversation based on how you want your friend to feel. Because you feel for them, care for them, and want them to survive this shitty life stuff and make something good of it all.
You can craft the conversation
So let's bring this back to your book. You're in conversation with a reader.
What do you want them to feel?
What do you want them to focus on?
What would be helpful for them right now?
As writers, we spend so much time thinking about what we want to share. But don't forget the partner in your conversation. What about them?
And here's where the magic happens:
When we focus on the reader, we can tell the same stories of abuse or pain or hurt, but in a way that is a true gift for them.
It's no longer a long list of depressing, bad things that happened, but a story of experiences that the reader can connect with, learn from, and be inspired by.
One of my book coaching clients—we'll call her Martina—was writing about some really effed-up childhood abuses. Martina admitted she was afraid her book would just be a total downer. I told her the truth: her book would not be a barrel of laughs. It was serious shit.
What could your story be for your reader?
Instead of thinking, I want to write about this, turn it around to focus on them. Finish this sentence:
When someone reads about my story, I want them to feel...
Does that change anything?
When Martina answered this question, she realized she wanted readers who'd been through something similar to feel affirmed. Seen. Comforted. Inspired.
Then, the writing came easier. Yes, she still found it a challenge. She still cried when she relived her experiences on the page. But she could do it. She could think about the stories and actually write them down because there was a bigger issue at stake.
She wanted to do this hard thing for the sake of her reader. And that was the motivation that got her writing.
What could you do for your reader today?
Thanks,
Liz "Do It for the Reader" Green
Editor, Book Coach, and Ghostwriter
Green Goose Writing
You might also like…
Have you admitted you want to write a book?
Have you admitted you feel drawn to writing a book? To doing this big, ambitious, kind of obscure thing? Because it is kind of obscure, isn’t it? And sometimes it makes me feel like I’m weird. I don’t want anyone to think I’m a weirdo, or ask how the book’s coming along. And I don’t want to publically fail to finish the damn thing. But what happens when we admit we want to write? Read more…
Let your writing goals be small
I am so over New Year’s resolutions. I know we’re barely a week into 2021, but I already firmly think New Year’s writing goals can go suck themselves. Instead, I’m here to say let your writing goals be small. You don’t need to write a billion words today. Read more…